I’m really excited warriors! I’m back on board– hopefully for the last time! I’m not sure why some people seem to have a big AHA…… moment and they enter recovery to never look back. I want that! I’m so tired of relapses and not sure why I keep putting myself through it.
I had an interesting experience today. My school is hiring a 2nd special ed teacher and I was asked to be on the interview team. So… I had to get up early today and was not planning on drinking last night. BUT.. there’s alcohol in the house and I have zero control. So I felt and probably looked like SH&% this morning. We only had 2 candidates to interview (both named Elizabeth, which was kind of funny).
I liked the first one (she actually reminded me of myself– very low key) but my special ed director and principal didn’t really like her. They said she seemed low energy and almost like she took an anxiety pill. She had mentioned that she has kids at home with ADHD and they actually suggested she was nervous and took her kids’ medicine before the interview! Talk about a WOW moment. I don’t know why that was such a surprise to me, but I didn’t pick up on it at all and was kind of annoyed that they were being so mean. The second girl came in with a big smile and clear eyes. She was really good and the one who we unanimously agreed on.
I could l see myself in both women and on the way home I reflected–WHO do I want to be? The tired Me with a constant hangover? Puffy eyes and face, hands shaking, nothing gets done because I spend my evening getting knockered and my days feeling like shit and hating myself? Or the Me that doesn’t drink anymore? The one who can ride my bike 150 miles in a month, who gets up early to walk the dog and spends the weekend doing things that makes me happy because I AM happy and I HAVE the energy to do these things.
So.. I think I’m ready for another serious go at this. Goals help me. Last time, on March 23rd, I visualized 100 days at the beginning of July. I MADE it to 100 days- but then relapsed like 20 days later. I want a year and I want to write a book about this entire journey– my super long journey that has had many pitfalls. I know my mind is pretty serious because I have a full box of wine in the garage. I can’t bring myself to dump it– it just seems like such a waste! So I listed it in my local free group. Other times, I would be like “I’ll finish that box and THEN quit..” I’m ready– so ready.