The most useful insight that I ever received from a therapist is that fact that I tend to get depressed during times when I’m not working. This can be as little as the 4 day mid-winter break or during the several weeks of summer break. I didn’t realize how true it was when she suggested it more than a year ago– but have often thought about it since.
The summer of 2016 was particularly brutal. I wanted to stop drinking (see my gosh awful blog posts from back then!) but had no idea how. The mere thought of attending an AA meeting (God forbid!) drove me to tears. My posts back then consisted of, “I drank last night, probably going to drink tonight but I’m going to stop next week.” The depression that summer was awful. I remember days when just getting myself to shower was a large feat.
Before this summer break, I thought a lot about that depressing summer and would often brainstorm how I would combat any dark feelings that come my way.
Easy peasy. I’m a changed women, after all. In 2 years I’ve learned and grown so much– spiritually, mentally, physically… you name it. I will get up and read and write in the sunshine on the deck. I will walk my dog and ride my bike daily. I will do small chores each day, like weeding one flower bed and deep cleaning one room– keeping tasks simple and underwhelming. I will attend AA meetings, find a sponsor and work these steps. Summer 2018 is going to be the happiest yet!!
Not so fast. The funk found me and has me in a choke hold. I’m not sure how much I want to get into it. Today is Tuesday and I think it started around Friday with a series of events.
Friday we planned to go up north with scouts. Scout trips can be difficult sometimes. Out of the 5 boys, 2 are autistic and 1 is emotionally impaired.
So #1 I was anticipating a weekend with increased stress and little sleep. #2 it was our cabin we were staying at so I had the added pressure of hosting. #3 I kind of wanted to head up early on Friday to make sure all was ok up there. Hubby wanted to drive together so he wanted me to wait until he got home to leave around 6. SO, I cleaned up and wasted all day Friday waiting for him. He ended up having an emergency issue at work to work through and was still there at 6 (and he works an hour from home). So, to avoid the scout troop from arriving long before us, I headed up in my car packed with the kids and dog. I was very annoyed that I waited all day and then had to head up on my own anyways.
The weekend went pretty well despite some icky weather on Saturday. Lucky for us, it didn’t pour all day, just misted lightly. We were able to take the trips we wanted and the boys even got to swim for a little while on Saturday evening (in the cold mist– not sure HOW they do it!). BUT, I did get very little sleep so I was exhausted by arriving home Sunday evening.
Monday (yesterday) was hubby’s birthday and the day kind of just SUCKED. I got up at a decent time (8am) and journaled. Then I meditated and did a recovery yoga routine (my body was tired and sore). All sounds good right? I had to take my oldest to the specialist for a routine check on his diabetes. We normally are there for about an hour, but the medical assistant, nurse and doctor were extra chatty and long winded. We were there for 2 hours. Then we went to Kroger to get stuff to make for hubby’s birthday dinner, cards for him and a couple small gifts. My boys were so annoying in the store. Bickering about every little thing. I told them no electronics when we get home and my teenager immediately started arguing that (what did I do? what did I do? what did I do?) UGH!!!! I was EXHAUSTED by the time we got home and squeezed in a 20 minute nap before making dinner. The boys made a cute scavenger hunt for hubby to find his present. While the evening was far more successful than the day, I still felt tired, sad and crummy. It was after 8 by the time we had dinner, cake and did presents and I was about ready for bed.
I got a lot of good sleep last night but still feel rather funky. I’m supposed to go visit my dad and grandma today, but just feel like bailing. I should (and probably will) go over there for at least a couple of hours, and will hopefully feel better afterwards.
I got up this morning, journaled and began my 4th step work (something I’ve been putting off for a long time). I made a small dent, but it’s a start.
I think this funk will pass and may be a little bit of PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) coming into play. On a very happy note, today is day 95!! 93 days was my previous record and I think that may subconsciously making my inner alcoholic (Betsy) scream and wince. I am really excited to reach triple digits.
It’s almost 10:00 am and I need to get a move on. I’m going to meditate and then walk Jules. I also want to start running again– maybe on the treadmill because Jules is the reason I stopped. He has been so lazy and sluggish lately and really brings down my running workouts. I’ve realized that walking him needs to be seperate from my running workouts. Lately, even in the early cool air he tends to get sluggish around 1-2 miles. I may try to squeeze in a workout after walking or might just wait until tomorrow and plan on a bike ride later instead.
I wanted to write about my funk and step 4. I really can’t believe that the summer funk found me this time around, I thought I had done everything to steer clear from it! I DO feel better already after writing this though. I’m also going to put together a list of things that I want to accomplish around the house this summer and put it into small manageable tasks. I have been feeling overwhelmed with what needs to be done and think that this will help make me feel better and under control.
Peace out <3 <3 <3