Sunday May 13, 2018 — Mother’s Day
Today is one of those bittersweet days. It’s a day that I wake up remembering that I am missing my mom, but also feel grateful for my kids and family that is still here.
Life made a huge shift after my mom died. I call it BD (before death) and AD (after death). It’s morbid, but it marks a change in every aspect of my life.
I underappreciated time with my kids BD. In fact, I remember a handful of Mother’s Days when my kids were young that I went to visit my mom sans kids. She would ask where the grandbabies were and I would tell her, “It’s Mother’s Day! I’m taking the day off.” I didn’t notice her disappointment, but was just happy to be able to hang out without them bugging me– or having to look after them.
This makes me so sad to think about AD. If I could do it again, I would have brought them with me to see their grandma and spend time with her. These are things that you can’t tell young people– sometimes it takes a loss to make you realize what you had and should have done.
I sometimes secretly wished I had another baby daddy BD. I had some friends and family who were free of their kids every other weekend. They were no longer with the baby daddy and the kids went to visit him every couple of weeks. When my kids were little, there were times when I was so incredibly envious of them– all for getting a regular weekend break from their kids. Date nights with hubby were scarce back then and having every other weekend free sounded freakin’ awesome!
My thoughts and feelings have done a 180 degree turnaround AD. I am probably unhealthily attached to my kids. Once in awhile a relative will ask to take them both for the weekend and I HATE IT. I hate it when they’re gone for days at a time, especially both of them. It’s not so bad when they’re gone to a friend’s house one at a time, but I despise an empty house and sometimes hate that we never had a 3rd.
One of my friends has 3 boys all between the ages of 8 and 12. When I go to her busy house, it is SO chaotic. She’s calm and collective, but can tell that she’s overwhelmed at times and I always just look at her green with envy. I always say things like, “You’re so lucky and I wish my house was this busy.” She must think I’m nuts. But a 3rd just wasn’t in our cards, and I am grateful everyday for the 2 healthy ones that I do have.
I’m sure a part of the change of thinking has to do not so much with AD, but with my boys growing up and becoming independent. These days they are self-sufficient and hubby and I can have a date night (or day) anytime we want.
So what does the perfect Mother’s Day entail today? Time with the kids for sure. I don’t care about presents or cards, but I’m going to ask them to go for a walk with me. Hubby and I already have plans for a long bike ride (there’s been a cold/rainy spell here– so we haven’t rode in days). Walk, bike ride, catch up on laundry– PERFECT day!
We’ll probably stop by my mother-in-laws later to visit. BD I would send hubby and the kids and stay home to drink wine in the bathtub and make the excuse that I have paperwork for work to catch up on. Now I will go, at least for a little while to be present and if I come home early it’ll be to get something productive done– or at least a walk with the dog to clear my head.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone! May your day be happy and blessed <3