I’ve been dreading this post, but it has to be written. From the beginning, the most important thing to me was to be honest and transparent. In the beginning there was a whole lot of ugliness, AKA all of my posts from 2016. In 2017 things got much better and my posts were mostly positive. I avoided writing on dark days and tried to keep everything positive.
My last post was from Monday morning and it was entirely positive. In fact, at the end I stated that “I am feeling incredibly grateful for the day off today, going to get much needed stuff done! This feeling reminds me that I AM getting out of this funk and that better days are ahead.” I completed the errands and was accomplishing a lot. I went to the garage to break up some boxes for recycling. I had two wine boxes from the past month that were (I thought..) empty. My plan was to get rid of them and dump the rest of a 5th of whisky I had leftover. I don’t know what came over me, there was enough wine left for a glass and half and more whiskey than I thought. It was 1:00 in the afternoon and for some reason, I thought I would drink the rest instead of pouring it out. I thought drinking it would make me feel worse, and it would be kind of like a good riddance to alcohol. Only, I finished the drinks and the only thing I wanted was more. So I drove to the store and bought a box of wine. I kept drinking. I made dinner (improperly, I might add. I forgot some KEY ingredients to the taco salad, AKA chips and cheese). I passed out immediately after dinner, day drinking is exhausting! I woke up around 10:00 and after searching the house I found my family in the basement watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I watched and cuddled with them, contemplating whether or not I should refill my wine glass (I did not).
The guilt and shame I woke up with was unbearable. I felt anxious and my body ached.
This is an example on how a moment can change in a heartbeat.
Currently taking it sober, one moment at a time.
Trying to learn from my mistakes and avoid making them again.
Peace all <3