Saturday February 3, 2018
This has been a gross week– all of it. On Monday I was looking forward to my women’s twelve step book study group after work. As I was getting ready to leave, I found out via hubby’s text that it was our son’s Court of Honor at his scout meeting that night and I was going to be given a pin (so there was no way getting out of it).
I was bummed, this meant I would have to miss my weekly meeting. I don’t always deal well with the unexpected, I am a planner– and this was definitely unexpected. The scout events had been on our family’s Google calendar, but I had recently deleted all of the events off of my calendar because my boss let me know that he could see my events. (I am still trying to figure out how to keep my family and my work calendar completely separate– Google is not always a friend of mine!).
SO… I got home, did chores like a crazy person (because going to scouts meant I’d be gone for most of the evening) and took my laptop so that I could get some work done during downtime there.
On a positive note, it was a very nice ceremony and I ended up getting all of my work done while there 🙂
During the drive home, Betsy started yapping at me– straight out of nowhere. I’m not sure if it was partially because I missed my meeting and/or just stress of having to change plans at the last minute– but she was ON it. I would have totally stopped if I didn’t have my whole family in the car.
Tuesday was fine and Betsy kept quiet. The urges from Monday were gone!
On Wednesday, it was another busy evening. My oldest had a swim test and lifeguard lessons at a school an hour away. I had to rush home from work in order to meet my hubby in time to get him there. On the way back, I stopped for a quick dinner with my youngest. Betsy started her nagging again. Wine sounded good. The whole time we ate dinner and during the ride home it was a tough mental battle. I was determined not to stop for wine with my kid!
We got home– where I thought I was safe because I was home for the night. I finished my chores before 8:00 and the mental battle was still going on. Finally I said F-it! Loaded the little into the car and drove to CVS and picked up a box of wine.
I didn’t even want to drink. I kept telling myself that it didn’t even sound good and I didn’t want to wake up with a hangover, but the mental battle was too much.
On Thursday, I saw my therapist. I was 100% honest about my week, drinking and my thoughts. I told her that I would drink every night until the point of passing out and that it would last until the box of wine was gone (about 3-4 nights). She was empathetic and told me that many people who stop drinking DO go through periods of drinking and sobriety in the beginning. My mind heard that I had her blessing to keep drinking that box of wine, so Thursday night I drank again.
These nights of drinking were not great nights. The wine tasted bad and I isolated from my family. Both nights I didn’t even really want to drink, but it did keep my mind quiet.
On Friday at work I considered not drinking. I thought I could take a break and just let the box be halfway full for a night or two. I gave myself a list of reasons why my Friday night would be so much better if I didn’t drink. By the evening hours, Betsy wasn’t going to let that happen. I gave in, thinking that I would be done with the box soon and could accomplish another sober stretch.
I went out to get some wine and my box was turned backwards. I thought that was weird. I picked it up, expecting it to be half full, but it was empty! WTF– did I drink THAT much the night before? Then I noticed a note on the front. It said “I love you! <3 <3 <3 What should we do tonight?”
My hubby always complains that when I drink, he loses me. He is right. And you might think that this situation made me really mad. It didn’t. I felt happy. I suppose if I had REALLY wanted to drink (and like I said early, I didn’t but was just giving in to that voice), I would have been upset and probably would have driven up to the store to get more alcohol. I don’t remember Thursday night, but am guessing that I had a conversation with him telling him how miserable I was drinking– but HAD to finish the box..
Well, I thought. I guess I’m not drinking tonight. I sat next to him on the couch after that, and told him he had better shut off his computer and give me some attention, lol.
For the longest time, I have been fighting this alone. Talking to people at meetings is great, but they aren’t there when I’m at home and a mental battle is going on in my head. It’s like I have two voices– me and then Betsy, my inner alcoholic voice. For the first time ever, I felt like it was US against Betsy– two against one. It was an uplifting and empowering realization. My hubby is a normal drinker and I spilled my guts to him via my blog last month.
That was part I of Friday night. Part II was really weird and felt like a sign.
We were chilling in the living room when we heard loud meows. It sounded like one of our cats, so we were looking all over to see if he was ok. We discovered a black cat on our porch. The weather has recently gotten really cold and I had never seen this cat before. I went out and he was shy but came to be when I called him. He wasn’t even close to being a feral cat– he was extremely affectionate. Surely I couldn’t leave him outside to freeze!
I locked my animals in a room and let him inside. I offered him some food and he gobbled it up– all of it. He was cold and starving! Knowing he needed shelter for the night, I set him up in my oldest son’s bedroom with food, water and a litter box. He was a little ancy when we went to bed, but settled down and was snuggling with my son in bed.
Around 4 :00 am, this cat (Sylvester– the boys had started calling him) got REALLY wild. He was clawing at the shades trying to get out.
I let him outside– hating myself for it. Knowing that he would probably be lost in the cold. I watched for him and listened for his meows– all morning and all day long. He hasn’t come back.
So, it’s been a sad Saturday leaving me wondering why this cat came into our lives and then left so quickly. It felt like a sign last night that he found us– but now what does it even mean? He reminded me of my childhood cat, all black and affectionate with scabby ears. Was he a sign, sent from someone?
I wonder too much about the WHY. I used to question my journey with alcohol and how it relates to my life constantly– trying to find the purpose. One late night, I was in a meditation prayer. I received a message, I believe from Him that was very clear.
“It’s not your job to wonder why. Just trust. Trust.”
That message DID help me not worry so much about the why and just trust the path.
I am trying to do the same thing with Sylvester. Maybe it was just by chance he wandered onto our porch. I have to trust that I did what I could and that’s all I can do.
I hope you find your way, precious little kitty soul <3