Fear– an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Fear is necessary.
The bottom line is that fear is intended to keep us safe. Most people are familiar with the fight-or flight response. When our lives are threatened, physiology kicks in to protect us. We are hardwired for self-preservation.
Unfortunately, we may also feel a similar response to unfamiliar albeit non-threatening situations. Things that feel uncomfortable to us also put us on alert. For some, the response is just as intense whereas others experience an attenuated version.
Fear has been a familiar feeling lately.
It’s been plaguing my dreams.
My uncle was hit by a car two weeks ago and is still in ICU. First I dreamed that I saw on the news not that a deputy was injured, but that a deputy was killed. Killed. More recently (last night) I was on his facebook page and it said Remembering “his name” (the thing that facebook does now to deceased people’s pages). I don’t normally have nightmares, but these quick thoughts that passed through my sleeping mind awoke me with a jolt– and filling me with fear.
We’ve had coyotes in our yard lately. One day, a few weeks back, there was two. They kept leaving but then coming back, scaling the back lot line like they were hunting something. I did a quick double check to make sure both cats were in (I would have been 1000 times more frightened if it wasn’t the dead of the winter and -15 outside– for they rarely go outside right now..). Since then I always have an eye on the backyard everytime I go through the kitchen. I spotted another one 4 days ago, around noon. They make me uneasy–they are so close and capable of killing my pets.
More bad dreams. Dreams that they are stuck in our yard, unable to get out due to hills in the yard (that don’t really exist)– so they are right outside the doorwall. Last night I dreamed that one got in the house. It is too cold to walk in the dark early hours before work– but when the warmer temperatures come will I ever feel safe walking in the dark again? And if we keep seeing them in our yard in broad daylight, how many are coming through at night? Come warm weather, how will I keep the cats in and how will I not worry about them ALL the time when they are out?
I have many fears– and many dreams. Dreamed that my special education director directed me to sell a young couple a house (I’ve ALWAYS wanted to sell real estate– so it kind of was a dream come true!). I told them that I’ve always lived in the area that they were looking at and that I would help them find an awesome house. They were directed to an office upstairs and I was supposed to meet them up there. I went upstairs and the area was huge with many offices and tons of people. By the time I found my couple, too much time had passed. They were SO mad at me and stormed off. I was fired as a real estate agent before I even begun. What does a dream like that mean?
How do I deal with these fears rationally and what purpose do they serve? To be continued….
Update on goals:
Last Monday I found an evening women’s 12 step book study meeting and I went. It was perfect! Much more comfortable than the Friday night meeting I went to 🙂 There was about 12 of us, various ages and everyone was so sweet and kind. I am actually very excited to go back on Monday. I hope to maybe find a sponsor in this group.
Today I had my first visit with an addiction therapist. I’m not so excited about it. She just asked me a TON of questions. I’m not sure how future sessions will go, I’m sure she just needs to get to know me to figure out how to help me. I hope that I see a benefit from it. I go back in two weeks– so wish me luck <3