As you know, I’ve been struggling for awhile with wanting to stay sober, but having the occasional relapse. It’s this endless cycle that I seem to be unable to get out of. I must admit that I’m not always honest with you. Sometimes I brag to you that I’ve been doing so well, and then ask you to pick me up some wine, because I deserve it– and it is ok to drink once in awhile. Well, for me, it’s not ok. Here are some things that I need to get off my chest…
Five things you need to know about my drinking:
1. One drink is too many, and 1,000 isn’t enough. Once I take that first drink, I can’t stop. This is something that all alcoholics have in common. It may seem that you talked me out of that 2nd or 3rd drink, but I will inevitably sneak it when you aren’t watching. At this point I’ve lost all control. Yeah, it sucks and I don’t like it either.
2. I don’t want to drink. Ever. I might suggest that we have a night of drinking and fun. That is not me, it’s Betsy. She is convincing, tricky and will use her words wisely. No matter how much you want to believe that I can have an occasional night of “fun”, I’ve proven time and time again that one night of “fun” will result in nightly drinking for days and/or weeks to follow.
3. Meet Betsy. Betsy is my inner alcoholic and she is absolutely ruthless. She just KNOWS when I’m vulnerable, even if I don’t realize that I’m in a vulnerable place, she will pounce (I know it seems crazy, but it’s true). I am not trying to evade blame. She is a part of me, but distinguishing her thoughts within my brain help me to be successful. Here is real life example of a lovely day she tried to ruin last summer:
4. During periods of nightly drinking I may appear happy, normal and that I have everything under control. I may be on top of the chores, appointments, getting exercise in, etc. This is all a facade, a LIE. The truth is, I wake up with loads of shame and regret and promise myself that things will change and that I will stop. At some point throughout the day the mental and physical symptoms of my hangover evaporates and Betsy starts to talk me into starting my new alcohol free life tomorrow and how much I deserve or need a drink.
5. I am SO happy with our life. I love the life that we’ve built. We have terrific kids and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive spouse. This is the majorly confusing part for me. This one thing, this one little thing is the only thing that is making me unhappy. I should have control over it, but it seems to have complete control over me. My intelligence knows that it is making me unhappy– yet I continue to allow it to do so and I can’t understand why. THIS is where the power of meetings and connecting with others come in. I’ve learned that I am not alone. This predicament is not uncommon and it’s helped me greatly to know that there are others that I can talk to, read about or listen to– to help figure out how to overcome this and that it CAN be beat.
I could probably write 5 more informational blips– but I think this covers the most important and basic aspects of my situation.
Also, know that while this holiday season has been a bit of a struggle, I have high hopes for 2018. I am quite pleased that I had more sober stretches in 2017 than in the past 10 years. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning. I know that there is a reason greater than me why I am going through this. I am grateful for all that I’ve learned, my past mistakes and my hope for the future.
Above all, thank YOU for always supporting and loving me, no matter what. I wouldn’t be where I am without you and know that with you I can take on the world ❤
If you want to learn more about supporting a loved one who is struggling with drinking visit: