Letter to My Spouse: The Pink Elephant in the Room– My Drinking

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Dear Hubby,

As you know, I’ve been struggling for awhile with wanting to stay sober, but have had an occasional relapse.  It’s this endless cycle that I seem to be unable to get out of.  I must admit that I’m not always honest with you.  Sometimes I brag to you that I’ve been doing so well, and then ask you to pick me up some wine, because I deserve it– and it is ok to drink once in awhile.  Well, for me, it’s not ok.  Here are some things that I need to get off my chest…

Five things you need to know about my drinking:

1.  One drink is too many, and 1,000 isn’t enough.  Once I take that first drink, I can’t stop.  This is something that all alcoholics have in common. It may seem that you talked me out of that 2nd or 3rd drink, but I will inevitably sneak it when you aren’t watching. At this point I’ve lost all control.  Yeah, it sucks and I don’t like it either.  

2.  I don’t want to drink. Ever. I might suggest that we have a night of drinking and fun.  That is not me, it’s Betsy.  She is convincing, tricky and will use her words wisely.  No matter how much you want to believe that I can have an occasional night of “fun”, I’ve proven time and time again that one night of “fun” will result in nightly drinking for days and/or weeks to follow.

3.  Meet Betsy.  Betsy is my inner alcoholic and she is absolutely ruthless.  She just KNOWS when I’m vulnerable, even if I don’t realize that I’m in a vulnerable place, she will pounce (I know it seems crazy, but it’s true).  I am not trying to evade blame.  She is a part of me, but distinguishing her thoughts within my brain help me to be successful. Here is real life example of a lovely day she tried to ruin last summer:    

My Inner Alcoholic is a Beast

4.  During periods of nightly drinking I may appear happy, normal and that I have everything under control.  I may be on top of the chores, appointments, getting exercise in, etc.  This is all a facade, a LIE.  The truth is, I wake up with loads of shame and regret and promise myself that things will change and that I will stop. At some point throughout the day the mental and physical symptoms of my hangover evaporates and Betsy starts to talk me into starting my new alcohol free life tomorrow and how much I deserve or need a drink.

5. I am SO happy with our life.  I love the life that we’ve built.  We have terrific kids and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive spouse. This is the majorly confusing part for me.  This one thing, this one little thing is the only thing that is making me unhappy.  I should have control over it, but it seems to have complete control over me.  My intelligence knows that it is making me unhappy– yet I continue to allow it to do so and I can’t understand why.  THIS is where the power of meetings and connecting with others come in.  I’ve learned that I am not alone.  This predicament is not uncommon and it’s helped me greatly to know that there are others that I can talk to, read about or listen to– to help figure out how to overcome this and that it CAN be beat.  

I could probably write 5 more informational blips– but I think this covers the most important and basic aspects of my situation.

Also, know that while this holiday season has been a bit of a struggle, I have high hopes for 2018.  I am quite pleased that I had more sober stretches in 2017 than in the past 10 years.  I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning.  I know that there is a reason greater than me why I am going through this.  I am grateful for all that I’ve learned, my past mistakes and my hope for the future.

Above all, thank YOU for always supporting and loving me, no matter what.  I wouldn’t be where I am without you and know that with you I can take on the world <3

If you want to learn more about supporting a loved one who is struggling with drinking visit:

https://al-anon.org/

 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

28 thoughts on “Letter to My Spouse: The Pink Elephant in the Room– My Drinking

  1. Me too. To all of it.
    That insanity of having it all and still hating myself over my drinking…being able to do it all EXCEPT controlling my booze. It crushed me. And it sucked the life out of me.

    That’s why zero works. Once it becomes the new normal all that is let is self compassion, a clear mind and a joyful life.

    Today is a great day to embrace life. Start 2018 sober!

    Anne

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      I think it’s the common denominator for all the functioning alcoholics <3 Thanks for the positivity, I am grateful to enter 2018 sober and optimistic that it is going to be a great year 🙂

  2. I am so glad you have a support system while you work through having more sober days that not. My Granpa finally got sober when he went into a home and those are the best years I’ve had with him. It’s worth it.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      I’m so glad that your grandpa was able to get sober and that you’ve had good years with him. I’m so sad for those who never get help and end up dying from it. It is so sad for them and especially their loved ones.

  3. What a heartfelt confession. I am irritated at my husband whom he drinks when we go out all the time. I personally don’t like multiple drinks when dining as a family. I think your spouse will appreciate this letter.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thanks Rose. Hopefully your husband will grow out of drinking as he gets older. This letter helped give my spouse an insight to my struggles with alcohol & has had positive effects <3

  4. I am so sorry that you have to struggle with this… I can only imagine how hard it must be for you but it is so brave of you to share your heart with us and I wish you much luck and love as you take your journey….

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you so much Shell. It is hard, but really is a blessing in disguise and much good has come of it <3

  5. This is so powerful. You are aware of blessings and have hope for the future. I wish you all the best for 2018. It’s not easy but with a great support system, you will make it.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you so much, that means a lot to me <3

  6. I think this is such a great post and you’re so strong to be sharing it – so many people keep it to themselves. It’s so good you have a great support system around you.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you Jazz, that means a lot to me <3

  7. Stephanie – Humble, TX – Sonshine Kitchen is a food and recipe blog written by a mom of two young boys who love to help in the kitchen. Find delicious recipes, helpful kitchen tips, honest product reviews, and all topics kitchen-related in one convenient location.
    Stephanie says:

    I don’t personally know anyone who has struggled with this, so it’s very interesting to get an “insider’s” perspective on the situation. I’ve known people with depression, and it’s somewhat similar, but also seems completely different. It sounds like you have a great support system and recognize the issues. Stay positive and just know that you can do this!

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      You are blessed that this hasn’t affected anyone in your life. Now you have a little insight if someone you love begins to struggle with substance abuse. Thanks for the well wishes <3

  8. I wish you all the luck in the world and to enjoy a sober life with your happy family. It must be hard, but your family will love you for it.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you. It is hard but it is also a big blessing in disguise <3

  9. I know someone who personally struggles with this. It’s hard watching, but I know it’s definitely harder on him to deal with it on a daily basis. Thank you for opening up about this to us. Best of luck this year of 2018 🙂

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you and best of wish to your friend who is struggling with this <3

  10. You are such a strong and brave person in sharing this. Though you have struggles, you do have a great support system. Keep being strong and don’t loose hope. Keep your head up and I wish you well!

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you for your kind words <3

  11. i really admire your wisdom and insights! we all have our big and small issues, and if we can see them as blessings in disguise, that makes a huge difference!

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you for you kind words and I agree with seeing life’s lemons as blessings

  12. Mr. Straight and Narrow – If anyone was to tell me what my life would look like at this age, I would have run away screaming. Well maybe laughing. OK, possibly in stunned silence. Has anyone run away in stunned silence before? I wonder what that would look like. But I digress. So who am I? I am a middle aged white guy who isn't balding. Wait . . . that describes half the white guy population? Hmmm. . . . In truth I am just a guy trying to make his way on the planet just like everyone else. And ultimately share some of life’s adventures with people. Because somehow an adventure doesn’t feel like it happened unless someone else knows. Be honest, we’ve all asked the question if a tree falls in the forest and doesn’t make a sound, does it really fall. Because it’s at that moment of impact that the tree falling has meaning. And so does life. As we impact those around use is when our life takes shape. I won’t always do it perfectly. But to be perfectly imperfect and be vulnerable is the key. And so here I am, sharing life’s adventures and those rules along with you. There is a path out there for all of us. We just have to find out. And hopefully my sharing my path helps you with yours.
    toastycritic says:

    This is so intense. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to resist the temptation to start. I have some friends who are like this and both my uncles have struggled, so you definitely should never think you are alone. And both my uncles have ended up with happy productive lives and marriages. So you can do it.

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you for your kind words

  13. aboutabbyblog – I'm Abby, a twenty-something Dallas girl with a heart for Jesus and a love of everything health, fitness, & beauty related. I'm here to share the various tips & tricks I've learned over the years. Living in the sorority house taught me so many valuable primping tips, so I hope to be able to relay some of the advice to y'all as well as learn from you!
    aboutabbyblog says:

    You are so brave for sharing this publicly and I’m sure you will help others through your transparency. I’m so sorry you struggle with this, but I will be praying for strength for you to overcome and patience for your wife!

  14. aboutabbyblog – I'm Abby, a twenty-something Dallas girl with a heart for Jesus and a love of everything health, fitness, & beauty related. I'm here to share the various tips & tricks I've learned over the years. Living in the sorority house taught me so many valuable primping tips, so I hope to be able to relay some of the advice to y'all as well as learn from you!
    aboutabbyblog says:

    You are so brave for sharing this publicly and I’m sure you will help others through your transparency. I’m so sorry you struggle with this, but I will be praying for strength for you to overcome and patience for your spouse!

    1. Hella Moone – I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.
      Zoe says:

      Thank you for your kind words

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