This is Hard

This week my addiction has won.

All due to a number of events that lead me to stop on the way home from my union meeting to get wine and succumb to my urge.

This time of the year has been difficult.  I am not happy that I threw away 55 days.  I am not excited to start counting from Day 1.   I’m not even sure that I want to count at all.

Addiction is tough and it can seem impossible to beat.  It’s like a bump in the road.  You’re riding along all smooth and fast, cruising right along, singing and relaxed.  Out of nowhere appears a Michigan pothole. You come to a complete stop, you break your tire and rim, your front end gets bent and you then have to hobble along– all at a super slow speed sporting a donut.  Sometimes you see the hole and can avoid it– but sometimes it just seems to appear from thin air.

I’m not sure what to do next.  It’s Saturday and I think I’m going to stay sober tonight.  I do feel much better not drinking.  I have liquor left (that was yesterday’s purchase) and intended on drinking tonight as a last hurrah for awhile– but I’m gathering strength to abstain.  I may or may not dump it down the drain.

This is hard.

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

21 thoughts on “This is Hard

  1. This is the hardest day, and there’s no bit of reassurance that helps. Sometimes we have to sit in our shame and despair a bit and not try to fight or rationalize our way out of it, though know that you are thought of warmly and with light from many people .

    One thing that helped me a lot when that happened was to write down the things that happened right before relapse. In another column next to it, I wrote down the things that were happening when I was very tempted to drink but didn’t. Comparing the two, I could notice the subtle things that pushed me over the edge in the left column that were absent on the right. It helps to know what to look out for in triggers. If they look really similar, then it might be more related to the number of days. That’s how many days it took to forget the negative aspects of drinking, so when the day rolls around again, you can be ready.

    1. Thank you Ivory, for your kind words of encouragement. I think writing down the events that lead up to this would be very useful. I am trying to focus on the process & the journey— not the destination.

  2. I think owning your bump in the road is huge! There certainly are lots of bumps. Sobriety- life for that matter- is no smooth ride. I actual wrote a post about it not too long ago… To me, the sober journey feels like a rollercoaster, and you just hit one of those unexpected drops or twists. You can and will level back out, again. You just have to be willing to stay strapped in.

    I firmly believe, though, that all you can do now is rest, forgive yourself, love on yourself with some self-care, and repeat. You are an inspiration and admired for your honesty! You’ve got this and so many cheering you on!

    1. Thank you for your kind and positive message Alison. I’m definitely feeling like this is a roller coaster. Going to check out your blog right now 🙂

  3. It is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done.
    There is only today. If you can, stay sober for this moment by moment.
    There is a bigger world awaiting you on the other side!
    Try something different if what you are doing isn’t working!
    Big Hugs,

    1. Thanks Wendy! I DO need to make some changes. I appreciate your advice and positivity. Hearing your success helps me stay sober today XO

  4. It’s f*@****g hard. I am so glad you decided to check in and write about it. I remember in some material we went over while I was in treatment, they said the relapse begins before you drink. I think it was this video:

    Keep writing. Keep reaching out. I’m so glad you’re here.

    1. Thanks Heldy and thanks for the video share! It’s not working on my phone (it says I need to sign into google) but I can’t wait to check it out when I get to my PC. Thanks for the positive message <3

      1. It worked! And holy #$&!, she is speaking my language. First 5 mins & she’s talking about having two personalities. This is all I’ve been thinking about for the past 2 days. I have 2 distinct personas & was starting to get paranoid that I really do have multiple personalities! Going to keep on watching 👀, thanks a million!!

      1. Finally watched it! It was really good. I really got a lot out of the ritual part. I’m hoping that identifying and breaking my ritual will help me get out of this cycle. I am sober tonight, but sadly today was another Day 1 for me. By the time this is all said and done I’m going to be a mega expert on Day 1’s 🙁

  5. It is really hard.
    It takes serious changes.
    Have you emptied all the alcohol from. Your house? Does your family know you want to be sober?
    Have you looked into AA or other meetings? addictions therapy?

    Life will forever throw curve balls. The y way to get past them is to be ready.

    1. All very good questions! I agree about preparing for and getting ready for curveballs– they will always be there. My hubby knows of my struggles– but as a normal drinker he really doesn’t get it and doesn’t think it’s awful when I relapse because usually I can get back to a series of sober days (which is an improvement from nightly drinking for years on end) while I am mentally devastated by it. I went to a few AA meetings during the summer and found the support helpful. My future plans include finding an evening meeting, attending regularly, finding a sponsor and working the steps. I think this is all crucial to my success.

      1. That’s great.
        It’s a complicated change when things aren’t horrible…but I always think back and am glad I didn’t wait until they were.
        If he’s a normal drinker he would probably be ok joining you in abstaining. It makes a huge difference to have support. Watching someone else drink makes it seem like you are missing out, when you are truly breaking free!

        Find an evening meeting. Christmas is a tough time. But it’s so much better to wake up sober and open presents with no hangover!


  6. Thanks Anne, you have good advice. I still haven’t gone to AA, but with all the holiday prep the past couple weeks have been nuts (excuses, excuses, not good!). After tomorrow I have about a week and a half off of work. I’m hoping to get up the nerve to go to my first evening meeting (it is hard going to a new meeting, in a new place with so many unknowns– but I know I NEED it). There is also a refuge recovery meeting that I would like to check out. It is about 30 minutes away, but I’m curious to see what it’s about. I’ll post my new adventures 🙂

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