Thanksgiving was ok, but ended with a huge amount of frustration on my end.  Hubby went to his parents with the boys while I went to my dad’s.  He was supposed to come out after a few hours.   I told my dad when I arrived that the boys would be coming later.

He didn’t start to head out until almost 8:00pm.  By this time we were all leaving my dad’s house.  He had been at his parents since about 2 pm and I was livid.  I didn’t even want to talk to him or look at him the whole night– I was so disappointed.  We don’t get out to see my dad much and I could tell he was disappointed that the boys didn’t make it over.  I don’t feel like I ask for a whole lot in this marriage, and Thanksgiving ended with a plethora of awful feelings.  It was a long 40 minute drive home from my dad’s and you bet that Betsy was talking me up the whole time trying to talk me into stopping for liquor on the way home.  

Friday wasn’t much better in terms of my feelings and emotions.  It was a boring and lazy day.  I was ok laying in bed for most of it, until the neighbor boy came over telling my kids about how warm it was outside and that they should come out.  Then I realized that it was like sunny and 50 degrees and I was missing out.  I have been waiting for a warm day for a bike ride and I’ve been walking almost everyday in the cold.  I took a shower and was getting dressed to go out, when I just collapsed on my bed.  I. Just. Couldn’t.  I didn’t have the energy nor the motivation.   I needed a ‘rest’ day both physically and mentally.

By this time, it was early evening and hubby was dealing with a work problem.  He’s a web developer for a major USA retailer and there was an issue with their system yesterday (on Black Friday– eeek!!).  He was on the phone for hours and I was expected to walk around the house as quiet as a mouse.  The kids were downstairs, but I didn’t want to be a part of that chaos– and I had been shut in my room for most of the day– so I had to just keep quiet in the common area– getting more annoyed by the minute.

By this time, Betsy piped up.  She urged me to get my shoes on and go to the liquor store.  She reminded me how much better I would feel after a glass of wine.  She told me I deserved it and that I was torturing myself for no reason at all.  She asked why I wanted to just sit there like a miserable being and that I should treat myself better.  She kept going and going and for the first time in several weeks, I listened and knew that it would be far too easy to throw away 52 days.

This could have gone one of two ways.  I could have allowed Betsy to talk me into getting some drinks.  I would have numbed out.  That first glass may have felt good, but this would have ended with me locked in my bedroom, sad and lonely.  Today would have begun with a giant hangover, a cloudy mind, increased anxiety and irritability and another Day 1.  OR, I could reach out to other sober friends.   And I did.  And they gave me a different perspective and some good advice and tips.  And they had positive messages and motivational thoughts.  And I listened.  It is much easier to be a warrior when you have an army standing behind you.  

I made a late dinner and felt a little better after eating.  After dinner, even though it was after 8pm, my teenage son and I ran to Target.  I realized that I just needed to get out for a bit.  It may have been dangerous going to a place that sold wine, but I didn’t think twice when I walked by the wine aisle.  I DID have a great time picking out some new earrings and jeans 🙂

I am so thankful for a clear headed wake up and Day 53.  I am enjoying some coffee while writing this and intend on going on a walk/run afterwards.  Today will be a better day than yesterday and if Betsy tries to get in my head she is getting a big middle finger from me and my army of warriors ❤

2 thoughts on “We are an Army

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