The promises of a new Day 1 is both electrifying and delicious. The hope that follows is optimistic and promising. The idea that I don’t have to feel like Sh#% anymore gives me goosebumps. I reset my counter, examining the date.. looking for something significant, a sign that this time will be the last.
I’m beginning to think that I’m addicted to Day 1.
The last stretch of sobriety was perhaps the best I’ve ever had. Almost 2 weeks and all but one day were great days. Great meaning that I was happy, found joy in my everyday work and activities, exercised, slept well and had an overall sense of well being.
What happened? Life happened. I had a day that was a good day but the night was frustrating. It was last Thursday and Anthony had to go help his parents with their home cameras, as they were heading south for 6 weeks the next day. He was gone long past my bedtime, but I couldn’t sleep. He was going to be going out with work friends the following night and I just felt so lonely. The following night was the high school’s homecoming game and I wanted to go but none of my family would go with me.
I layed in bed for hours not being able to sleep and wanting to drink my sorrows away. Miraculously, the urge to drink was gone when I woke up on Friday morning. I didn’t feel so lonely either. I vowed to relax and watch a chick flick, maybe walking up to see the game for a little bit.
Anthony really wanted me to go out with him and his work friends. That was very nerve racking for me. It would be mostly guys and I am very shy. I really would have rather stayed home, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. When he was urging me, I asked him if I could drink (meaning he would be the DD) and he said yes.
I had a good time, but probably would have had a better time if I didn’t drink. All of his work friends are Indian and I am so curious about certain things and traditions but could hardly hold a conversation. They were all very nice and probably think I’m a drunk, I feel ashamed.
Then next night was even more ridiculous. I picked up a box of wine. We went to the Astronomy in the Park event later than I had hoped. We didn’t get home until after 11. I was pretty crabby there, I just wanted to get home to my wine. Talk about robbing me of the experience! So.. it’s 11:30 on a Saturday night, my whole family is in bed and I’m filling my first (of many) glasses.
I drank Sunday and Monday night too, because it was there and why not? I think my box is about gone now, or close to it.. so I will throw it away and start all over.
This time around was a valuable lesson. I learned that I will get more from going out with new people if I don’t drink. It may be uncomfortable at first, but I will make it through and will be able to have a meaningful conversation that I can remember. I also learned that if I have wine (or anything else) at my house, the anticipation of drinking it will overshadow and ruin any and every experience I have beforehand.
Day 1, again.. today. I feel oddly excited and hopeful. I am eager to sleep well and wake up without this awful headache.