During my first try at sobriety I didn’t drink for over 90 days. I didn’t know what relapse meant, and my journey was fairly shallow.
I listened to The Recovery Elevator Podcast regularly and would hear the interviewer say things to his interviewee like, “I couldn’t string more than 5 sober days together” or “I saw more day 1’s during that bout of sobriety than I can count on all digits.” I had no idea what that meant or how that could even be possible, it made no sense to me.
Then, in the summertime, I started to go to noon AA meetings. I heard people say things like “I’ve been sober for 10 years. Before then, I was on & off again sober for 2 years, I came to AA but my heart wasn’t in it, I wasn’t 100% committed.” Again, I wondered what that meant, how can you go to AA meetings and not be committed– did you go to the meetings drunk?
My journey has taken me to a place where I get it now. I know what it’s like to not be fully committed and to have a handful of day 1’s in a month.
I don’t always understand the why. To help look at it in a scientific fashion, I put together an alcohol and sobriety cost/benefit table. Looking at the table, sobriety clearly is superior to drinking.
| Alcohol Use Cost/Benefit Analysis | |||
| Benefits of Drinking | Cost of Drinking | Benefits of Sobriety | Cost of Sobriety |
| I like the fuzzy brain feeling, especially during the first drink | Wake up with headache, other physical ailments, body aches, etc | Sleep better | Physically uncomfortable when I get urges or cravings |
| Not having to count days and/or think about sobriety | Wake up worrying about what I said or did | Wake up feeling good | Social anxiety when put in certain situations |
| Can’t hold a conversation, even if I want to talk about something, physically unable | Significantly more time for hobbies & fun activities | ||
| Money | Less anxiety, generally a better feeling of well being | ||
| Increased anxiety | Spend more quality time with the family | ||
| Alienation from family | The ability to drive at any given moment | ||
As I mentioned in other entries, I DO believe that one day I will be 100% AF. I certainly don’t feel like I’m “white knuckling” it during my periods of abstinence. I am not miserable, I am happier than ever. It is clear though, that I’m not working my recovery– or rather my recovery is not working for me.
I will work towards my goals and keep building my toolbox. No one said that this would be easy & I have to focus on and appreciate the journey. I have learned & gained so much in the past 8 months and I am grateful <3
I didn’t get it at first, either. I figured “one and done” was how it worked. After a year of attending meetings, it all makes sense. I managed about 80% sobriety this year, and hope to be at 100% one day also. I think.
It really is quite an incredible journey isn’t it? Congrats on your sobriety — I am also hoping to be at 100% one day
