For the first time since I’ve been an admitted addict and in recovery I feel like I am back to square 1. This is a terrifying place to be and I’m desperate to get out. I know I’m back to where I started because for the past week, I wake up wanting to stop, but by the time evening comes I succumb to my urges. I’m waking up long before my alarm goes off, with fits of anxiety. We had an end of the summer party on Saturday. I wasn’t present and passed out early. Then I woke up around 2:30am and made a drink (I haven’t done that in a very long time).
I was determined not to drink last night. I read the first part of The 30 Day Sobriety Solution. It made me want to drink. I had about 1/3 box of wine left (about one night’s worth) and I drank it. Now I am all out of alcohol. I don’t plan on buying anymore, but it’s hard to predict the alcoholic mind. I do have all of my favorite tools in my back pocket, but am taking it one moment at a time.
Alcoholism is truly the thinking disease, and that has become so clear to me. My biggest nemesis is my alcoholic mind and she knows exactly what she is doing– and she is so good at it. But I was successful once and I can do it again, gosh darn it!
I know that if I keep trying- and building my toolbox then it will click one of these times I attempt to stop. I had 18 days before this last relapse and really thought I had it down! What boggles my mind the most is that when I do abstain, I am so freakin’ happy!! It’s true what you read in books and hear on podcasts, you forget just how DESPERATE you were. You get cocky and think, “See, I can stop for 20 days and be completely happy and at peace, I don’t have a problem!” Then you buy some alcohol and drink it over a few days. Then you buy more and before you know it you’re at the place where you can’t resist the urge to drink it night after night and you remain miserable and desperate. I always forget that that’s not ME, saying those things, it’s my inner alcoholic, Betsy, trying to trick and take advantage of me.
Well, here’s to a club soda toast to this sober moment I have and yet another day 1. Zoe 2.0 is in the works & when all’s said and done she is going to be one amazing and strong chick <3