The Way it Always Was

It’s Labor Day Monday today.  I feel ok, mentally and physically.   I drank Saturday night and Sunday during the day at the beach.

We headed for up north on Saturday morning.  Shortly after arriving, I learned that Aunt Sandy was coming downstate to see her kids and wouldn’t be there for most of our trip.   At the same time, I heard family members arrive at the house across the street.   The greetings and conversations made me feel extremely lonely.  A few short years ago, our life up there was much the same.  My mom would always hug her grandkids and talk about how fast they’re growing.  Aunt Sandy’s house was always full as well.  Uncle Ed was always there to entertain the boys or talk to us about anything and everything.   Grandma was always in her chair and always enjoyed watching the many guests, old and new, come and go.

Now, it always seems lonely there more than anything.  Grandma, my mom and uncle Ed have all passed and the once full house always seems empty.

I was instantly glad that Susie and Maddie were coming up, at least there would be more than just my family of 4 and my boys would have a cousin to play with.

Betsy (my inner alcoholic), of course, played on my depressive state.   She began to talk me into drinking quite early on Saturday.  I played on the fact that it was our very last hurrah and that there would be no reason to drink at least until Halloween– or maybe longer.

So it’s back to Day 1, looking forward to starting a rigid work schedule and relishing in sober weekends and waking up with a clear head and conscious– free of guilt and shame <3

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

6 thoughts on “The Way it Always Was

  1. I used to wait tables. When I’d make a lot of money, I’d got out drinking to celebrate. When I didn’t make good money, I’d go out drinking to feel better. I’m an alcoholic so I never needed a reason to drink–it’s just what I did. Until I didn’t, and did something different. Take care on your journey. x

    1. Not in the least. And it makes total sense, there will always be a reason to drink, if you choose to drink. I just WISH that I could figure out what I need to do different to stop for good (Day 1… again :/ ). I appreciate your insight, your success helps to motivate me 🙂

      1. Maybe don’t try to stop for good. Just stop for today. Stop for each minute that you have to. Early on I had to say–fuck one day at a time, I’ve got to do one bloody minute at a time. Take care the minutes of tomorrow tomorrow. And think about getting some help! I don’t know anyone who can do this by themselves–at least I don’t know anyone who is sober AND happy who does it by themselves. x

      2. Thanks girl! Yes, I need to slow down and take it moment by moment. I need to go to a meeting, hoping for Friday. I think that will help me– I haven’t been in quite some time. Thanks again for your support and motivation XO

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