It’s Labor Day Monday today. I feel ok, mentally and physically. I drank Saturday night and Sunday during the day at the beach.
We headed for up north on Saturday morning. Shortly after arriving, I learned that Aunt Sandy was coming downstate to see her kids and wouldn’t be there for most of our trip. At the same time, I heard family members arrive at the house across the street. The greetings and conversations made me feel extremely lonely. A few short years ago, our life up there was much the same. My mom would always hug her grandkids and talk about how fast they’re growing. Aunt Sandy’s house was always full as well. Uncle Ed was always there to entertain the boys or talk to us about anything and everything. Grandma was always in her chair and always enjoyed watching the many guests, old and new, come and go.
Now, it always seems lonely there more than anything. Grandma, my mom and uncle Ed have all passed and the once full house always seems empty.
I was instantly glad that Susie and Maddie were coming up, at least there would be more than just my family of 4 and my boys would have a cousin to play with.
Betsy (my inner alcoholic), of course, played on my depressive state. She began to talk me into drinking quite early on Saturday. I played on the fact that it was our very last hurrah and that there would be no reason to drink at least until Halloween– or maybe longer.
So it’s back to Day 1, looking forward to starting a rigid work schedule and relishing in sober weekends and waking up with a clear head and conscious– free of guilt and shame <3