My Inner Alcoholic is a Beast

Betsy’s her name and ruining my life is her game.

I don’t know how she does it, but she knows when I’m vulnerable.

Like today.  I had a productive day.  I got up early, made breakfast, dropped my oldest off at freshman orientation, packed up the youngest, drove to work, worked in my classroom for a little bit, attended a team meeting, packed up, stopped at the magic store so the little could spend the $15 he earned from doing chores, got home, made lunch and put dinner in the crock pot, sat down and she spoke.

“You’ll be alone tonight.  Wine would be nice. ”

“Nope! I don’t do that.”  Then I proceeded to feed the pets, make my bed, stick in laundry, work on dinner and finish up some other things.  Then I sat down.

“Do you know what sounds nice?  Some wine sounds really good right now.  You wouldn’t be so tired.  You would feel carefree and oh so wonderful.” Betsy persuaded.

“Oh that does sound lovely.” I thought, for a second.  “Nope.  Not going to do it Betz.”

I carried on with my evening, all while the boys were at each other’s throats (it’s the end of summer, and they are more than ready to go back to school).  Yelled at the boys, fed them dinner, yelled some more, cleaned up dinner, got the oldest to do his chores and get ready so he could leave for his Boy Scout activity tonight, cleaned up the kitchen, the voice persisted.

“Oh come on already!  You have 10 days.  You’ve done so well, you deserve a break.  Give yourself a break.  You can drive to CVS, pick up a box of wine and your night will be awesome.  Why are you doing this anyway?  This is stupid!”

I didn’t respond this time.  I just ignored her and am writing this out, which is helping me see the ridiculousness of this situation.  Wine sounded good for half a second.  Then I thought about how I would be numb after 2 glasses and become distant from my family. It wouldn’t be much fun and I would pay for it dearly tomorrow with a headache, body aches, tired and aching muscles, not to mention how awful I would feel mentally to wake up to another Day 1.

Tomorrow night we have a wedding and I am not planning on drinking.  I’m a little nervous because there will be a lot of drinking and free unlimited drinks.   I’m going to tell Hubby that he can drink and I will drive us home.  I’m not sure if he will or not– he’s been generally sober and not drinking.  But this is his cousin’s daughter getting married and if he wants to drink then I don’t have a problem with it.  I will enjoy being fully present, enjoying the moment & maybe slightly laughing at those who end up drinking a lot and acting goofy.

Taking it one day at a time, and excitedly about to welcome Day 11, which could have so easily been another Day 1.


Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

3 thoughts on “My Inner Alcoholic is a Beast

  1. Congrats on all your days so far. That’s so great you were able to play the tape all the way through and see that while those glasses of wine would have felt good for a couple of hours, they would also bring several more hours of regret and agony. Good luck with the wedding. Take care and be well. x

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