As more time goes on without drinking, not drinking is becoming the norm. It has been 9 days today. Betsy, my inner alcoholic voice is very sneaky and still talks to me at the most random moments.
Thus far, I’ve been able to shut her up pretty quickly with a “NO, I don’t do that anymore.” or “I don’t think that I will like the way that will make me feel.” or “Helz no, are you crazy? I don’t want to go down that dark path, get so drunk that I zone out, forget the night and then wake up feeling like absolute S$#& !!”.
So far it’s working. I’m wise enough to know that this can change at any moment and will not take my sobriety for granted. Not even for a second.
I have been slacking on actively working on my recovery. I’ve barely even attended online meetings (I can’t even remember when I last attended one– probably about a week ago). I felt the need last week to go to a real life meeting because I was only 2 days sober and feeling really down. I never made it to a real life meeting–nor did I start working on the 30 day sobriety solution like I said I would. Will I work on it in the future? I’m not sure. I kind of got overloaded thinking about “recovery” stuff and had to shut it all down last week. That first day of not reading, thinking, listening to recovery resources was very refreshing. I worked out and then floated in the pool and read a romance novel instead of a recovery book, which was a very nice break
Right now, I’m happy and content doing what I’m doing. I do not feel in any way, shape or form that I am “white knuckling” it. What am I filling my days with? School shopping, haircuts, last minute appointments (because my oldest is diabetic, he had to see an ophthalmologist– which was a two hour appointment– THEN we had to go see the optometrist to get our glasses), last days of enjoying floating in the pool, cooking, cleaning, organizing, school orientation, work meetings, etc.
This may all change next week when I go back to work and the following week when the kids start school. I’m a little nervous because I imagine big changes like this could possibly be a trigger. What will I do if I feel like drinking or even relapse? I will flood my spare moments with recovery resources. On the other hand, I might be so busy with back to school festivities, that I might even think about drinking less than I do now.
Visualizing may help me stay successful. In anticipation of the start of the school year, these are the things that I am visualizing:
- Facilitating morning IEP meetings without a pounding headache, tired body and vodka breath; actually being able to think clearly during these meetings
- Waking up with a clear head and energy
- Waking up early enough to get a run/walk in (this ALWAYS makes the day better)
- Not running my schedule around drinking, being able to sign up for extracurricular activities (exercise, yoga, dog training grant writing, etc) that run past 8pm
- Having time for those extra and fun activities
- Not feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck every single morning going into work
- Having the energy and drive to push these kids to their full potential, plan fun and productive lessons and being more organized with my teaching
And my very favorite:
- Sober weekends! TV binging on Friday night, sleeping in, no hangovers, energy to do FUN things, NOT running my free evenings around needing to drink
And that’s a wrap! Peace, love and happiness to all <3