I decided after writing yesterday to dump out the remaining alcohol.  I didn’t want to plan on drinking last night– or any of the future nights.

I’ve established a pattern with my relapses.  This pattern began after my initial 92 days of sobriety that started back in February 2017.

The relapse starts with an urge.  I ride it out, waiting hours or in some cases until the next day.  I eventually say “F it” and give in to the urge.  I usually drink a couple nights in a row.  Typically, the drinking nights are not good.  I isolate and get numb.  There isn’t much fun, it’s not like I’m drinking because I am at the bar or a party.  Then I get fed up and scared of going back to daily drinking.  I resolve to be sober and dump out any alcohol that is left.  I embrace sobriety with full arms and enjoy the benefits (being fully present, sleeping soundly, waking up without the physical ailments, etc).  A couple weeks sober and the urge comes back, cycle starts all over.

I don’t understand this pattern and why I keep going back when I’m not getting any positive reinforcements and only negative consequences.  BUT… I’m not beating myself up too bad because drinking 2 nights every couple of weeks is a world better than drinking Every. Single. Night. !   I still feel like I’ve made tremendous progress.  I’m still learning and working towards full sobriety and understand that it is a work in progress.

One thing that I keep thinking is that maybe I really need to pursue a sponsor and to actively work through the 12 steps in AA.  I have the book and have studied step one.  I go to meetings, but can’t say that they’ve been overly helpful- although it is nice to connect with other women who GET it.

I also believe that meditation would help me free my drinking thoughts.  I think that meditation can be an extremely helpful tool, but I’m not sure how to make it work for me.  I hope to pursue this in the near future and hope to have success.

I am a happy person at the moment.  It is Saturday night and I have a totally clear head. We had my mother and father in law over for dinner and had meaningful conversations. Typically, I would just be antsy waiting for them to leave so that I can start drinking. How nice to not have that burden!

All in all, Day 2 was a big success!!  Yeah!!  free

 

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