Old Habits Don’t Die, Back to Day 1


First of all, Scout Camp was pretty amazing!  It was a little bit like a wellness retreat, well except the food.  Anthony’s first 2 classes were at the lake (AKA a big pond).  There was a nice trail nearby that went along a stream.   I spent the mornings laying by the lake, reading my book, hiking the trail, meditating by the stream.. it was great.  His last class was a REALLY long walk away.  I went on the first day, but stayed back at camp the next couple of days.  My RA caused my foot to flare up after the 2nd day and walking was tough, especially when they were walking so fast rushing to class.   Overall, it was a really fun time.  I came home on Wednesday and Anthony went up.  They come home tomorrow, I’m pretty excited to have my family all back together 🙂

Secondly, I wish I could report that things were going well here with my drinking, but honestly they aren’t.  Coming home on Wednesday, I had it in my head that I was going to drink, and I did.  I stopped at CVS on my way home to pick up a box of wine and instead left with kahlua and vodka.   I drank.. alone.. and felt like a real winner.  Then Thursday came.  I was kind of having a silent debate in my head all day.. am I going to drink tonight or not?  I have Elizabeth and William for the night.. so I really shouldn’t.. but it really sounds good.   I drank and I liked it.

I didn’t like the past two mornings waking up.  I woke up early, had a headache and body aches in general.  Yuck!  Was it worth it?

So this is where I’m at, back to drinking every night, for no good reason.  Now I’m a drunk and an overeating fatty.  Ugh!

They say to really pamper yourself in early sobriety.  Don’t make yourself do anything that you don’t have to do.  SO.. with this many day 1’s and day 2’s I’m apparently just going to never get anything accomplished, eat all the ice cream and wallow in my self pity.  My house is a mess, my gardens are overgrown with weeds and my life feels out of control, and I don’t understand WHY I keep doing this to myself.

When I was AF, I was mentally pleased with myself, enjoying daily activities and also I was sleepy SO good!  I just washed that all down the drain.

It does feel good to write this out and it gives me hope.  I have hope that I want this bad enough to not drink today or tonight.  I have faith in myself that I will relook at the 30 day solution and do my daily exercises and that I will dump out the rest of my kahlua and vodka.. because I’m not drinking tonight and there is no reason to plan on drinking in the future.  Seltzer cheers to a healthy mind, body and soul <3 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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