I am depressed, clinically.  I should make an appointment with a therapist and talk about getting on some medication.

I haven’t stopped drinking this week.  I wonder how much that is playing into my depression.  I’m going to try an experiment.  I’m going to try to not drink tonight and see if I wake up a little happier and more motivated to get through my day.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I have no idea and why and no reason at all to be depressed.  I have an adoring husband who I think is one of the smartest men on earth, who loves his family more than life itself and has a pure & honest soul.  Case in point.. Milo has been sick this week.  Two nights ago, I was spoon feeding him canned food on OUR bed and even on HIS side.  He was laying right there with me, just happy like I was that Milo was eating.  I was so grateful during that moment that I was married to him.  I know some men would not be too happy about a wife spoon feeding a cat on their side of the bed!  I have two sons who are genuinly good hearted boys, who listen well (for the most part) and give me way more pleasure than stress.  I have choices, many many choices and I know that Anthony will support anything I try to do.  I love my house.. I have the perfect forever home and the pool that I’ve always wanted.  So WHY?

Is it that I want to stop drinking but I can’t?  I make the choice everynight to get that glass of wine.. or whatever it is I’m drinking.  I wake up with a general ill feeling, lack of energy, etc.  I maintained a hard workout program before while continuing to drink, but why can’t I start working out now?

It is kind of hard to get the energy to workout when you barely have the energy to get off the couch and take a shower.

I’m making a goal.  Right here and now:  To NOT drink tonight and to (at some point today) start working on Kenneth’s drink analysis worksheets.  I will blog tomorrow and record my mood.  I have to be in Livonia by 9 with both boys, but would LOVE to have the energy for a morning workout before having to leave. NOT sure that will happen, but who knows.

#depression #anxiety #addiction #recovery #thestruggleisreal #summer2016