I drank a few times and it wasn’t even enjoyable.

The first time was Mother’s Day weekend.  We were up north and going to have a bon fire with Jackie and Aunt Sandy.  I knew it would be hard to be around Jackie and not drink, she took me out for my 21st birthday for crying out loud!  I had planned on not drinking, but as we headed back to our cottage after having dinner at AS’s house, I told Anthony that I was going to get wine.  I told him that It’s not going to become a habit that it’ll be a one night deal, and it was.  I bought a bottle (not a box, wahoo!) and drank it.  I didn’t even know if I would get through it, I was 2/3 through it and it was going down slow.  It started to go down faster though and I drank it all and wanted more.

Went to bed and woke up with a headache.  While walking to the park with Willy and Jules, I felt pretty bad (physically).  As he walked Jules closer to the busy road, my heart thumped and I felt extremely anxious like I couldn’t breath.  I had a dull headache the whole day and just basically not productive.

The following Thursday I had dinner with my old friend Teresa.  We had a couple of hours to kill and then she had a school function to go to.  I ordered a drink and was proud because not only did it last over an hour, but I didn’t drink the last ¼ of it.  I drove home with zero buzz and happy to not have to worry about getting pulled over.

On Friday, the alcoholic voice in my head was nagging me.  I knew then that feeding her up north and again when I was out to dinner made her louder and more demanding.  The Anthonys were leaving for a weekend trip and I contemplated drinking.  Anthony was a real dick getting stuff packed on Thursday and Friday (he can never find any of his crap and Anthony is always pokey and doesn’t follow Ant’s packing directions).  By the time he left I was so pissed at him I wouldn’t even say goodbye. I couldn’t wait for him to be gone!  A little later, I drove to CVS and bought some captain morgan’s .  I had a few drinks after Will went to bed.  Didn’t taste great and gave me a stomachache.   I drank about ½ of the 5th.  I poured the rest out the next day.

Then I went the week without drinking.  Now we are at Memorial Day weekend.  I didn’t drink or have the urge to drink on Friday or Saturday night.  On Sunday I woke up with a horrendous sore throat.  While Anthony was productive all day I was pretty much confined to the couch.  I was sad and pissed.  I did make it to the grocery store at least– and thought it would be a good idea to buy a box of wine.  Drinking always took the edge off when I was sick and drinking last night helped my physical pain.

It wasn’t a great night.  I sat by the pond by myself getting hammered.  I came in, watched some tv with the boys and then played battleship with Willy.  It wasn’t a great game.  I was so tired of having to focus that I moved my boats so that he could win.   I wasn’t present.  I don’t remember going to bed and it was a sucky boring night!

I’m not going to pour out the rest of the box of wine.  I’m going to move it to the garage though and not touch it for awhile.

I don’t know if I can keep drinking moderately.  After drinking I haven’t had the urge to continue night after night like before.    As of right now, drinking isn’t fun and the repercussions are not worth it.

I guess as long as I am in control, unlike before, then I am ok with once in awhile caving in.  We’ll see…

#alcoholrecovery #addiction #health #relapse #moderation #alcoholaddiction #alcoholism #alcoholic

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