Listened to a good topic yesterday from HOME podcast #12 Relapse. I hate that word. When I hear it, I immediately get a vision of old 90210 episodes when Dylan McKay has relapsed. He doesn’t shower or leave his home and his house is a disaster with liquor bottles all around. When his friends stop by to help he is quite a pill to be around. That is my visual definition of relapse.
About a month ago, I took my first drink since February. I drank a bottle of wine and regretting it the next day, physically not mentally. I didn’t wake up mad at myself or full of shame. I woke up knowing that this is my journey. Did I relapse? I set my counter back. I didn’t drink the following day, or the next. It was nothing like the image in my head of someone who has relapsed.
I have drank since then. Not every day, not every week, not every Friday or Saturday night. The drinks are few and far between, nothing like the every single night that I used to drink.
Every time I drink, I realize how much I don’t love it. I don’t know why I still occasionally do it. It still does have some control over me– and I’m not recommending the periodic drink to anyone in recovery. I think that with working through things, I will be at a place where I can abstain 100%. I might not be there yet, but this is my beautiful journey and I have so much still to learn.
I don’t want to call this a relapse. I am not going back to where I was (oh and that was a LOW low place!). I am growing, and moving forward, and learning. My path is unique and is mine and I still have so much to learn!
Thank you Cafe RE family for all your inspiring posts. They are a constant reminder of the great things that we can achieve when we are sober and working on our insides. If you find yourself waking up after a night of mistakes, don’t beat yourself up. Learn. Appreciate. Grow. Relapse has such a negative connotation attached to it, but maybe it doesn’t have to.