My intake appointment is less than a week away. Most of the initial excitement of the prospect of a new life has turned to fear. I’m finding myself in a constant state of worry.
This isn’t something I can readily talk about. As it is, I’ve only told 4 people. And have only talked in depth to one (my husband– and that’s iffy, he doesn’t seem to like to talk about it). The others, I just mentioned that I was going to do this.
One (my best friend Debbie) has a huge camping trip planned starting next week. She wants us to come out at least for a night or two. I had to tell her, because I can’t be in that environment while embarking on this journey. I know I would fail. In the 15 years I’ve been camping, the only time I’ve ever not been drinking is when I was pregnant. Camping + fire + music = heavy drinking. Not to mention, I am such a light sleeper that without booz, I’d be up all night with all the loud campers. In order to be successful, I’m not confident that I will ever be able to go camping again. Especially in the first few weeks of this new lifestyle.
There are many things that I worry will be triggers. Up north vacations, beach days, parties at dad’s house, sitting on the deck (drinks on the deck, it’s our thing!), swimming in the pool, happy hour after work, the list is endless.
I was at a work party yesterday and a friend casually mentioned that we needed to hang out this summer and have drinks at the pool. I’m sure after she said that, my blood pressure increased. I instantly wondered when the time came, what I would tell her– or maybe that would be the day that I start drinking again and throw everything away.
As the school days are dwindling, I’m finding myself wanting to hold onto them for as long as I can. The end of school will be the end of my comfortable living. I am scared and anxious, yet hopeful. I’m going to go to the classes diligently and try to relearn how to live without drinking.
I know in my heart what I need to do. I need to believe in myself. I need to live through being uncomfortable, knowing that it’s inevitable in order to change. I need to remember WHY I want to change. I need to think of alcohol as the devil. See, for me, it is. Taking away precious moments from my life and putting me in harm’s way.
This is the most important road I’ve ever taken. I pray that I can get through this successfully and live a happy and healthy life.
#alcoholaddiction #recovery #healing #journey #Godwillwalkwithme