The last time I wrote I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.  I had filled out a form and was waiting on a call from the inpatient center to see what they recommend and to let me know what my insurance will cover.

That was on Monday.  It is now Thursday and I haven’t heard from them.  I also put a call into the social worker from my doctor’s office (yes, the doctor who gave me faulty information– or so the counselor said– but by now I am grasping at straws).  But again, that was on Tuesday and I haven’t heard back yet..

I am shocked at the lack of information readily available for people in my situation.  If I ever actaully do recover, and get off the booz, I would like to help people get better access to resources.

From talking to people and reading on the internet, it looks like I am down to three options:

Inpatient– (for hopefully no longer than a week, but once again, depends on insurance coverage).  Pros:  Medically monitored, focus on healthy living with a healthy organic diet and healthy habits/activities, can stop the same day and be done with it, behavior modification therapy, no chance of cheating myself while there. Cons:  Have to be away from home, worry about the kids and pets, won’t sleep as well in another place with probably a roomate or two, given drugs that could possibly be addictive.

Intensive Outpatient– Pros:  Medically monitored, can stop the same day and be done with it, group therapy 3 days a week, more economical than inpatient. Cons: Given medication that is possibly addictive.

Taper Method– I read about this just this morning.  I’m thinking this might be a good option for me.  If I do this, I’m going to plan it out.  It’s recommended you do this with beer (weaker).  I hate bear so I think I’m going to do it with wine mixed half and half with Sprite or carbonated water.  This involves drinking about half your normal amount and then decreasing every day or two, then adding in non drinking days, then quitting completely, with the goal of avoiding nasty detox withdrawals.  Pros:  Can do it without addictive medicine, can start today, won’t have a detox on my medical file, it’s free.  Cons:  I feel like this is really going to take an immense amount of willpower (obviously if this doesn’t work, I will know within the first week and can pursue other options), I won’t be able to say right away that I am alcohol free, not sure if I’ll be welcomed at meetings or therapy sessions while still drinking a glass or two a day (and I believe therapy and/or counseling is going to be really important in order for me to be successful).

I’m hoping to get some information today from the inpatient center and my doctor’s office.  I’m planning on starting a taper tonight.  This is going to be really hard, because once I start drinking it is extremely hard for me to stop.  I’m going to start right before bed and have like 2 or 3 diluted wine (normally I would have 6 or more undiluted).  I’m going to take melantonin also to help me sleep.  I am hopeful because in the past when I stop for a night or two, I wake up feeling good, not like I am going through any type of withdrawal.  I am also scared because the kids are going to be at my dad’s tonight.  I’m going to try to keep busy and hopefully have the two of us do a fun activity this evening, like riding our bikes to downtown Northville and doing some shopping– or something that includes physical activity.

I also need to pursue therapy.  I keep thinking (since I’m never happy with who I talk to..) that maybe I can design my own therapy at home.  My vision is an intense amount of writing, reading, meditation, prayer and exercise.  I’m not sure that will cut it, but I may go that route.

I know for one thing that I am depressed, probably more on the severe side currently.  Maybe with being off work and being able to do the therapeutic activities listed above on a daily basis, I’ll snap out of it.  I really don’t want to take antidepressants.  I also should mention that now that I’m out of school, I’m going to throw away all my processed foods and eat clean and organic most of the time.

Here’s what I know.  It is almost July.  I know that July is going to be extremely difficult.  BUT, if I can successfully get through it, August will be much easier.  I anticipate myself looking and feeling well.  I will lose weight and have a healthy glow.  I will enjoy life and each activity– not like I’m going through the motions now like a person looking in from the outside.