May 2016

I am going to write about my recovery on here.  I’m going to tell my story first.  I am not strong enough to share this with anyone that I personally know.  Not my husband, not my best friend, not my sisters.  I can’t say the words out loud.

I can’t admit that I drink every single night (except on rare occasions).  I can’t tell anyone that I don’t remember going to bed most nights.  I wake up, with a paranoia that I’ve forgotten to take out my contacts– or left a cat outside. Waking up to go to work is the worst.  Many times I have a pounding headache and puffy eyes.  On the worst of mornings, I feel slightly intoxicated still on the ride there.

There is an underlying guilt everyday and a promise that I won’t drink tonight. On the rare occasion that I don’t drink– the lack of guilt the next day is a great feeling.

I guess I took my first step towards recovery last week.  I went to the doctor because I have a pleural effusion, which incidentally can be caused by cirrhosis of the liver, amongst a slew of other things.  I told my doctor (one that I’ve never seen before) that I drank on a daily basis.  After talking, we both decided that outpatient therapy would be best and that I should wait until school gets out so I can take the time for therapy.   I have about 3 weeks left of school.

Until then, he said to cut down my drinking.  He said not to stop, because at this point stopping cold turkey can have major health implications.   How scary, although my pleural effusion is pretty scary too.

I went to the doctor last week.  Cutting down has not been successful.  I find that once I start drinking, I can’t stop.  I hope that my recovery is more successful!

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