Posted on by Hella Moone

Dark Moods

2024’s mood so far is depressed. This is definitely not what I intended this year to be. I don’t have anything awful going on, so when I get really dumpy– I feel guilt for being sad for no reason. My joy has been sparse so far this year.

Getting back on my antidepressant hasn’t seemed to help. It’s been probably over two weeks, maybe it won’t help this time.

I wonder how much that drink I had a few weeks ago has played a part in how down I’ve been. The first drink I had, after nearly five years, was in December. Maybe that was the start of it. I know that having the occasional drink affects me way more than I know. I’m still occasionally craving it and find myself romanticizing about it sometimes.

I think I’m a Pleiadian starseed because I’ve often felt homesick throughout life. Homesick while at home. I’ve usually felt this feeling every several months or a year- not very often, but it’s a heavy feeling when it comes. I’ve felt it almost everyday for over a week now. It’s not doing anything to help my mood. I’m not sure where this feeling is coming from.

I think writing about it helps. I think I’m going to write down everything in my life that I don’t like right now and then burn it. Make some space for better things.

Posted on by Hella Moone · 1 Comment

Day 93

Storytime…

I get to school early in the morning, and occasionally I walk in the front door at the same time as parents who are dropping off their child at the “before school” Care program– a program for parents who have to work early and need the school to look after their child until school starts.

A couple days ago, there was a parent walking in behind me. I let him in without checking his ID or to make sure that he had a key.

As I walked down the hall, I questioned if he was an intruder (he did have a kid with him, mind you). I then pictured him pulling out a gun and shooting everyone in sight. I know that sounds really morbid and awful- but I think it’s something teachers in America think about a lot. Especially since we had a school shooting a few towns over back in 2021. It’s real, and it happens, sad to say.

But what was worse was my reactive feeling to that daydream. It wasn’t the usually anxious scared I feel, like when I’m in a crowded theater and I imagine someone starting to shoot everywhere. It was relief.

Life has seemed so heavy lately. Getting away was nice, but having the break almost made going back to work so much harder. The weather has been cold and dreary and I’ve just felt, BLAH.. for quite awhile actually. I’m not suicidal- by any means. But, I’ve had death thoughts occasionally (like usual), but instead of making me sad for things I’d miss out on, they’ve been a relief type of feeling- like “Get me out of here!”

After that day a few days ago, when I daydreamed about being shot, I decided to get back on my antidepressant.

I miss my joy. I thought I found it a few weeks ago, when I started walking again, but really I’ve felt down now overall for like 75% of the time. The joy I found was short lived.

I hope going back on this helps. I know I have to continue keeping up on the self-care, but apparently, that’s just not enough. I hate the thought of taking more pharmaceuticals, but I quit taking them because I didn’t think they were working. Now I’m praying they were working because the misery I’ve felt these past couple of months is no fun.

I miss my joy!

Posted on by Hella Moone · 5 Comments

Spring Break 2024- Mischief at the Castle

It isn’t over yet– but feels like it’s going so fast. It’s been (kind of) nice so far- we’re still out of town!

We started our vacation on Saturday and booked a room at a place in Ohio called Landoll’s Mohican Castle. We stayed in the presidential suite, which had a twirly staircase (something I’ve always been obsessed with 😂), its own lookout tower, a balcony and a deck.

The room/place was a teeny bit run down, and definitely quirky. My favorite thing about it is that it reminded me (us) of where we stayed at on our honeymoon. We stayed at a place called the Summit Resort in the Poconos Mountains, Pennsylvania.

It was a room that looked straight from the 70’s (honeymoon, not castle) but it was fun. We had an indoor pool in our room, a round bed with a mirror on the ceiling and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub. The resort was pretty big and I remember they even had a run down gym (advertised a roller rink) complete with roller skates straight from the Woodstock era. We had a great time, the pool was fabulous and we enjoyed getting breakfast delivered to our door in little silver containers (I remember the food was good). So this place was kind of similar, in a weird way.

The night at the castle has a dark twist. They left us a bottle of champagne, unexpected, and we drank it. Yep, in almost five years, this was the 2nd time I drank.

The first time was a bummer experience and I attributed it mostly to the company and setting I was at (work party).

This time would be different, which was scary.. I knew it was a slippery slope and I didn’t know if it would want me to drink during the rest of our trip.

I don’t want to dwell on it, but I think it’s important to write about the main points for reference later.

The first glass was great (even though I don’t like the taste). It was novel and I really have missed drinking with hubby– where we both get chatty and carefree feeling. The glasses were small and before the first glass was finished, I felt a nice calming head buzz. I thought it was great and that the 2nd and 3rd glass would be even better.

Sometime during the 2nd glass, the good feelings left and I just felt irritable. Hubby and I were talking at a small table and I was thinking about whether or not he would refill his glass. I was hoping he’d only drink one glass and each time he filled his glass it made me irritable because I wanted more for me (isn’t that selfish, and awful, LOL- alcohol sucks!). He was really chatty and that was making me feel irritable. We were talking about his work- working with adults and the swimming he teaches and how he much prefers to work with kids- I was talking about work too– it’s usually a conversation that I enjoy- but I felt crabby.

After 3-4 small glasses, the bottle was gone (he drank about half). Next, I stuffed my face and ended the night with a huge stomach ache.

Somehow, by some miracle, I didn’t wake up with any headache or hangover, and for that I’m so grateful. But the night taught me a good lesson. Alcohol does not make me feel happy, or relaxed. It’s still a big, huge, slippery slope- I’m well aware- the biggest rabbit hole in the world. I have to be careful, but that was pretty great motivation to never want to do it again- or at the very least, keep it as an occasional stupid indulgence. Honestly, I was happy that it was another bad experience.

Since then, we’ve been at this teeny cabin. It’s nice, but I kind of miss my alone time. Hubby has been stuck to my side this whole time and I get prickly without space. This morning was nice because I woke up a few hours before him. I had time to meditate, give myself some Reiki, bought some spring dresses online, and binged some TV. Now I’m getting this done (which I’ve kind of dreaded to write about) while I hear him stirring and waking up.

Yesterday was our first full day here. We went to a park and saw some waterfalls, a lot of cliffs and walked a trail with a lot of stairs. The iron I got on Friday must’ve really helped me because I seemed to have SO much more energy doing all the stairs at the castle- and at this park too. The last time I had to do a lot of stairs, at my son’s diabetic checkup where the elevators were running super slow, I had to stop and rest several times. This week I’ve noticed a huge difference and am SO grateful to have some energy back.

The weather was gorgeous yesterday and we had a picnic after our hike. We had a fire last night under the (cloudy) full moon, played cribbage, binged TV and pigged out. All in all, it was a nice day and night.

Today it’s rainy. We’re going to go shopping at an antique mall, go to a pencil sharpener museum (Sadly, I’m not joking) and will probably get a yummy meal at a restaurant somewhere. I’m looking forward to a day of shopping/poking around different places.

Tomorrow we head home. It’s my son’s 21st birthday. I couldn’t wait to leave my dog (who is obsessed with me, and it gets to be a bit much sometimes) but now I’m looking forward to going home and seeing the pets and the boys. I’m also looking forward to a few days to just chill before going back to work.

Happy Spring Tuesday Everyone! ❤

Posted on by Hella Moone · 2 Comments

Strange Days

Day 80. March 21, 2024

Life has been a little crazy. Work has been busy- but good. I think after almost two school years, I’m finally settling in.

Our basement isn’t done, but it’s painted and the floor is about 10% complete! Hubby has been making slow, but steady progress and I’m trying to be patient.

I finally got around to rescheduling my rheumatology appointment that I cancelled at the end of February. They always do bloodwork and my hemoglobin is chronically low. It was 8 in November- which is very low- but really was hoping that I could bring it up by eating loads of spinach, spirulina and barley grass juice powder. It came back at a 6- which is critically low. No wonder why I’ve felt so tired.

That was last week. I got ahold of my hematologist promptly, to schedule an iron infusion. She offered me blood, but I declined. A couple days later, I took the afternoon off work and drove myself to the ER to get a blood transfusion. At that low of level, I couldn’t have it done in the clinic- I had to go through the ER.

It felt weird and I felt scared. Hubby asked if I wanted him to come, but I told him that I’d be okay. I didn’t want him to have to take off the afternoon, but secretly didn’t want to go alone. My son and his girlfriend were at the house and asked me why I was home (I came home to get into comfy clothes and eat lunch before going to the ER). I told him I was going to go get a blood transfusion. He’s a very thoughtful kid, and has had his share of hospital visits, and I thought he might offer to come with. But, they had plans for lunch and then to a gaming store to play Magic, so they wished me well and left me to my own devices. But they were cute heading out, both armed with their gaming backpacks.. they’re two peas in a pod, she’s like the girl version of him, LOL.

So I was a big girl, and went and got some blood. All in all, it was a fine experience. The check-in process was pretty easy. I was there for almost five hours, but most of it was in a little room with a comfy bed and cable TV. Also, I brought my laptop and actually got a decent amount of work done. The blood took 2.5 hours to receive. I watched 2 and a Half Men, and realized what an awful dirty show it is.

That was two days ago and I can’t say I feel much different- but maybe a little less out of breath when I read out loud or try to talk fast. I have to go in tomorrow morning for an iron infusion and again next week. I hope that helps my energy.

I’m happy and grateful for these treatments. I’m hopeful that I’ll feel better very soon.

I always thought I loved staycations. But, after our trip to Florida was cancelled in December (due to the dog being sick) and our trip to the mountains for spring break was cancelled (due to the basement flooding), the last place I want to be is here next week during spring break.

Hubby and I rented a small cabin on 12 acres in Hocking Hills Ohio (hills, lots of wooded trails, caves, etc). We’ve never been there, and are super excited to get out of here. Even the animals have been getting on my nerves lately. My dog is constantly at my heels staring me down at every waking second. The kids and pets are staying home and I am so excited to have a break away. I guess I don’t love staycations as much as I thought, LOL!

Anyways, that’s where I’m at on day 80! Oh, and I had my 47th stinking birthday last weekend! It was an uneventful Sunday here.. I didn’t care for a big celebration. We did eat yummy food and a delicious cake. My son turns 21 next week, which is unbelievable to me! I will not be drinking with him. I don’t think he’ll be drinking- I don’t think he cares too which is a miracle to me.

I’ll blog when I’m holed up in the hills, probably in the hot tub the whole time. Hopefully with a peaceful mind and calmed nerves— oh and maybe a bit more energy if I’m lucky!!

Posted on by Hella Moone · 2 Comments

Day Counting

Day #58, no weed.

Day approximately #50 of no Bupropion (antidepressant).

I’ve been feeling all the feels, most haven’t been good. There were days last week that I thought about getting back on Bupropion. There were days the past two weeks where I thought my family might kick me out of the house (kidding.. sort of..). There were days where I almost kicked my entire family out. It doesn’t help that our basement is still torn to pieces and totally unusable. We’re all a little crowded, stuck in on the main floor of our ranch home, cooped up with it being winter time.

After our basement flooded, my workouts stopped. My machines got piled on one side smashed up against a sectional and a dining room table and buffet set. It was too cold for me to have any motivation to go for a walk. My attitude and body said, no workouts.

Also, with being so crowded and feeling like I have no space, I’ve stopped meditating most days.

I promised myself that before I start taking Bupropion again, I would make the lifestyle changes that would naturally help my depression. It took awhile, but I’m finally there. I started walking several days ago, and even got up early enough for a 5am walk yesterday. It’s been a very long time since I’ve walked early. I’m also taking time to meditate- even if it’s just for a few minutes.

I’m mentally feeling better, thank goodness. I just need to keep it up- that’s the hard part I guess- at least until it becomes habit again.

I’m feeling mentally strong and smart without weed. Also, my dreams lately have been so weird and vivid. I never used to remember my dreams. I might remember upon awakening, but then I’d forget and no matter how hard I’d think, the memories would never come back.

These days I remember, vividly, my dreams from last night, the dream from the night before and the night before that. I’m loving it. And it reminds me that my brain is really changing without taking this stuff (in a good way- I hope).

So.. that’s all for an update.

Today, it’s February 27th and like 70 degrees out. We have a virtual school day since its primary election day, so I was able to take a long afternoon walk. It was amazing! I was very hot- and the sunshine was so nice.

I’m gonna enjoy the rest of my day. I hope you’re enjoying yours too! ❤

Posted on by Hella Moone · 1 Comment

Fifty is Nifty

Sometimes I’m reminded how grateful I am to not be a drinker anymore. Today was one of those days. It’s Monday, and I have the day off thanks to Presidents Day. We watched a movie later than planned, then snacked on cheese and chatted with the boys for a bit and didn’t get to bed until almost 1:00am.

Once asleep, I slept well but woke up super groggy. I didn’t drink a smoothie yesterday, so I made one instead of coffee, hoping it would help my energy. It did not. I took a shower, and then napped, then had lunch (leftovers from a Mexican restaurant- very processed/unhealthy), then napped again. When I woke up, our groceries had been delivered (ordering groceries was one small way I was productive while so tired this morning) and after putting them away, I started to feel almost human again.

I made coffee and shut myself in my bedroom to journal. I lit incense and opened the windows to feel a fresh (and almost warmish 40 degree) breeze. I just got done and do feel better physically and mentally. It’s bright in my room, the incense smells good and this coffee tastes amazing.

Earlier, when I started to feel better and noticed it was 2:00, I had a thought. This type of day used to be a regular occurrence for me- especially on the weekend. I’d wake up, feeling like death from drinking, could barely choke down coffee and could finally stomach a shower sometime after noon. This was normal for me. How sad is that?

While I’m happy this isn’t my normal weekend, it’s still hard not to beat myself up. My diet has been awful lately. My energy has been low too. I need to work on this, and I will. But… I didn’t come here today to beat myself up! I came here to celebrate day 50 of no weed.

I don’t have a desire to go back to vaping and chowing edibles every night. Also, I stopped my antidepressants early in January and feel that I’m doing okay without those. I definitely need to get back to working out- and I will. It’s hard now because my machines are in the middle of a pile of stuff mashed into one side of our basement. Today we had the asbestos tiles removed. Now it’s paint and put in new floors, which hopefully we’ll do in the next couple of weeks. Once that’s done my machines should be accessible. I like using them and look forward to this, not dreading it. In fact, I was on a roll before that awful flood in our basement a few weeks ago. I’m hoping to start walking outside soon too. It’s so much easier as the weather gets nicer, and already we have some high 40/50 degree days coming up.

So, I’m optimistic. The weather is getting better. I’ll start working out and improving my diet and will feel better all the way around! Also, I started some new soul work. I ordered the book, “Living Untethered” by Michael Singer (I LOVE his book, The Untethered Soul.. it is phenomenal and was something I read early in sobriety and it was so helpful in my soul growth). So far this book is excellent as well. I also ordered “The Untethered Soul” guided journal. I wrote my first entry today and think it’ll be a useful tool in continuing to grow my soul. Maybe it’ll help with wanting to stuff my face so much!

Life is good right now. I’m also working on building relationships/connections with people who inspire me. This week I have a dinner date with my cousin Stefanie, who I haven’t seen in a long time. I’m super excited to catch up with her! We got close for a little while shortly after my mom died. I was in an awful headspace, and still a huge drinker. I’m so happy to be healthier and hope that I can be a better friend to her this time around.

So you see, Fifty is nifty, haha!! I knew this change would make space for better things! The best is yet to come, this I know ❤

Links to these books that I love:

The Untethered Soul:

https://a.co/d/iwzRvgi

Journal:

https://a.co/d/aenW5jw

Living Untethered:

https://a.co/d/8aeIcgU

Posted on by Hella Moone

My Dream Home

Write about your dream home.

My dream home is a paradise. In the spring & summer, the colors are vivid and the energy is contagious. In autumn, things get darker .. and then finally a “still” white- where rest and reset is top priority and, the long dark days allow ample time to think & reflect.

My dream home connects with loved ones daily, both here & in the afterlife.

My dream home gives me solace, after a long hard day spent out in the world.

During chaotic times, I turn to my dream home for quiet & comfort.

During happy times, I decorate my dream home in the most elaborate ways.

My dream home isn’t someplace far or out of reach.

My dream home isn’t a place, it is me.

Posted on by Hella Moone

All My Jewels

February 3, 2024

Day #34 of no weed. It was a good crutch for awhile, but now I know that I’ll never go back.

All my most precious jewels are made of paper, not metal.

You see, my hubby has this habit of making me a ring, out of straw wrappers every time we go out to eat.

He’s done this for years, but it wasn’t until recently that I began to really appreciate it.

It started with my nephew- the one who lived with us from about age 16-18. We’d often go out to eat, but I didn’t realize anyone was paying attention.

He’s been seeing his girlfriend for a couple of years now. A couple months ago, I learned that whenever they go out for a bite to eat, you guessed it, he makes her paper jewelry. I didn’t realize he was watching- let alone taking notes. I thought it was incredibly sweet.

About a month ago, we were at a restaurant with my son and his girlfriend, Lu. Right on cue, as our drinks came, hubby got to work. When Lu saw him put the ring on my finger and asked if it fit, and if I liked the style, she let out a big, “Awwwwwww,” and looked at my son admiringly. She’s a sentimental girl with a big heart, and envied that small act of kindness.

Hearing these things makes me appreciate the rings so much more. It reminds me, that it’s not so much our words, but our actions that influence our youngsters.

Lu and my son have been dating for several months, and she’s spent a decent amount of time with our family. She made (an amazing, amazing) salmon dinner last weekend and was later telling us that she was happy that our son helped her out in the kitchen. She remarked that while he had no idea what he was doing, he was cooperative and willing to learn.

We then talked about the importance of mutual respect and being kind to your significant other. I mean, if your partner is making dinner for your family, I would hope that you’d be willing. My hope is that he’d be that way regardless- but my bigger hope is that they, as a couple, learn to have those expectations and to treat each other well.

I’d like to think that we’ve done a decent job of modeling that for our boys. That’s all I want for them. I don’t care who they marry- male, female, brain surgeon, janitor- I don’t care. I just want them to have a happy and harmonious relationship– so when I hear things like my nephew making paper rings, like his uncle, it gives me hope that we’re teaching them through our actions, and that makes me very happy.

But, we’re far from perfect parents- so I try to focus on the good. I was reminded recently that we’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way.

The situation started a couple months ago, when my son claimed that the psychologist, Sara- who he’d been talking to since 2020- had a breakthrough with him. The big breakthrough is that he has ADHD, which contributed to learning difficulties, and lack of follow through. He said he can’t finish anything- even the things he enjoyed. She wanted him to see a psychiatrist and get on medication.

I was 100% not supportive. I mean, doesn’t everyone have a problem with follow through? I know I do! Even with things I enjoy. I told him that I thought I had the same thing, and that I tried Ritalin, and it worked the first couple of days, then my brain was back to normal. It didn’t work after that, unless I took more and more. So it was very dumb to me, and now I only take it when I need some energy- and I take three times the dose, and very occasionally- or else it would lose its effectiveness.

But, he kept bringing it up and made an appointment with a psychiatrist a few weeks later. But it would take a few weeks to get in.

The week before his appointment, he sent me and his dad an email while he was at work. It basically said, he’d failed all his college classes and hadn’t even been enrolled when he told us he had been. It was very apologetic and he claimed that he’s trying to fix this everlasting problem of him not being successful with college classes (he goes to the community college- taking prerequisites, so they’re typically pretty easy classes). It was so confusing because he was in the higher classes in high school, his English Language Arts class was advanced.

Then, we took him seriously.

We looked back, at his entire school history. Have you ever seen the message that talks about how kids with ADHD aren’t just lazy? Well, we thought he was just lazy. For years. We thought about all the times we had to get on him about his grades. He was so smart- why wasn’t he doing his homework? And failing certain classes? We had to ground him at times, in order for him to get his butt, and grades, in order. And his grades still weren’t that great, especially for how capable we knew he was. Or was he?

9th and 10th grade were a struggle with passing certain classes. Then 11th grade was the Covid year. With online learning, schools falling apart and hybrid learning- we didn’t have to keep on him so much. I think if Covid hadn’t come, his high school career may have looked a lot different. Perhaps we would have recognized these problems before now.

My profession is a special education teacher, and I let my kid go through his entire school experience with unrecognized Learning Difficulties. It’s so ironic- and stupid, really.

So the day of his psychiatry appointment, a few days after he sent us that dreaded letter, he and I had lunch. We laughed at the irony and I told him that it’s just a parents birthright to fail their kids in some ways. If you ever have kids, I said, it’ll happen to you too. I Probably when you least expect it.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job, not making the mistakes I saw the grownups in my own life make, including my parents. But the truth is, no one is perfect. And in a weird way, going through these things makes you stronger and more resilient so it would be a disservice to not fail your child in some ways, right?

But the good news is, he went to his appointment and while he was nervous to do so, he ended up relating to and really liking the doctor- who himself is on ADHD meds and younger, like in his 30’s. He put my kid on the same medication he’s on. It’s still to early to know if it’s helping, but at least he’s taking active measures to address these behaviors (he’s also doing cognitive brain therapy exercises- something his psychologist Sara is big on).

But I won’t focus on all my shortcomings. I’ll focus on the fact that I’m not rich, but I have more precious jewels than I know what to do with. I keep them safe in a box, because they’re a good reminder that while mistakes are inevitable, we all have the power to emit and spread the light and love that we carry deep in our heart ❤

Posted on by Hella Moone · 2 Comments

It Feels Good to Feel Good

Happy Saturday!

It’s day 20, hooray! I’m so glad I made that decision on January 1st to break a dumb habit that I knew wasn’t serving me.

When I was young, we used to go stay at my grandparents’ little cabin up in Luzern, MI- a quiet town that had one stop light with one bar/restaurant, post office and hardware store.

One time we had a relative that I never met come and visit us. I don’t remember her name, believe she was my dad’s cousin and think that she lived in the Philippines- although I might be getting her mixed up with another family member.

The only thing I really remember about her, is that she was a total health nut. I can’t even give you an example of what she did to make me think that, but know it’s true because (and this is awful) I remember making fun of her behind her back with my dad. Also, I remember wondering then and for years later, how on earth she could be a member of our family. It boggled my mind. We didn’t know anyone like her, well at least I didn’t anyway. I was probably about 10-12 years old at this time.

Oddly, I thought about her randomly throughout my life. Only as an adult, I thought of her with great respect- not like making fun of her like I did as a kid.

As I’ve become more healthy in recent years, she’s still occupied some of my thoughts. Gosh she knew how to live life! Why did I ever make fun of her? And why did it take me over 40 years to learn how to finally feel good?

The past year or two has taught me an important lesson. Often, maybe even always, the things that we look forward to indulging in bring down our vibes- even though it seems like the opposite. On the other hand, things that we dread and put off often raise our vibes, sometimes significantly. Like quitting drinking, and exercising, and quitting other things, and cleaning the house or completing a dreaded chore or task.

So why I keep dreading and putting off certain things, when I know that I’ll feel much better after?? This I don’t know, because I simply can’t get myself to start purging old and useless things (like the stockpile of old make-up I have collected, but no longer use- some which are 10-20 years old- yuck!).

I didn’t write this to beat myself up though. I’m making progress with other things, and slowly feeling good about it all.

Every time I do something for myself, such as working out or taking time to clean and oil my face before bed, or making healthy food, I think about how good it feels to feel good. It’s those little things that give me that great feeling.

I know I need to do more of these things, like purging my old crap- and I’m getting there.

It’s not easy. My work weeks can be tough and sometimes I have a lot of paperwork to do on the weekends. Things that I have to do, so the things that don’t have a deadline get put off.

The more I evolve and mold into a happier version of myself, the more I see that health nut of a relative in myself. When I think about getting made fun of for this, it actually makes me happy and proud feeling.

2024 is going to be all about feelings and how to raise my vibes. This reminds me of a picture my sister shared with me this morning.

When I first read it, I took it literally. Of course he’ll get flowers, if he plants them.

It took my other sister chiming in to make me look at it deeper.

Ooooooh. Sort of like the year 2020.

I had been warned by a psychic that 2020 would be a year of lessons for me, so I was on high alert long before ever hearing the words Covid or Corona.

Around the time of quarantine, I was due to celebrate my one year of no alcohol- an event that was three years in the making.

And, especially due to Corona, the quarantine and seeing what everyone else was seemingly doing- I almost drank after hitting that milestone.

I didn’t though, and instead spent the long days making magic by pouring my heart out on paper. I accomplished writing about 200,000 words from the fictional story that had been in my head for years. I’ve often thought about how incredibly grateful I am that I didn’t decide to drink. My life right now could be very different if that had been the case- and I don’t think it would have been in a good way.

I want to spend this year, and my life, planting flowers and enjoying the blooms 🩷

Posted on by Hella Moone

Day 17

Boy has it been like the best week ever! I had MLK day off work on Monday- so I was ecstatic for a three day weekend. The Universe gifted me two extra days, because it was too cold to go to school on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying this five day weekend- and taking advantage of the extra time.

I started to finally workout on Sunday! I’ve been alternating between the bike and treadmill, and already I feel better physically and mentally. My aim is to get up earlier tomorrrow and Friday and workout before work. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll have to do it after work. My overall attitude about the whole thing is no stress- and even if I do 10 minutes, I’ll count it.

I’m really hoping that getting my body moving will help some of these aches and pains. That’s been, okay. I’ve been taking a full dose of Motrin about 1-2 times per day. This is much better than the round the cock NSAIDS I was taking like all of 2022, and then some.

My weed abstinence is making me very happy. I don’t miss it. I feel sharper and smarter, and have more energy. Why the hell did I ever want to dull any of that anyway?

I’ve been thinking a lot about our shortcomings. For me, it’s my scattered thoughts, my monkey mind. I self medicated and tried ADHD meds. They worked, until they didn’t. Both required constant increases to obtain the same effect. It was a losing battle. The irony is that being substance free makes me realize that those “shortcomings” can be a superpower for me. It’s hard for me to explain, and I know enough to know that I’m not fully accessing how to make this a strength, yet. But I know, maybe just in my heart of hearts, that the way my brain works can benefit me in a lot of aspects of my life.

What other strengths do I have that my ego is subtly trying to squash? I think my intuition is one. I would never want to intentionally dull that- but it happened for way too many years.

So on Day 17, I’m celebrating- from the rooftops. It was a total whim that I decided to quit on January 1st. Nothing but good has come from it, and it’s allowed me to get excited about my life again 🩷